Is it possible to plan for chaos?

  A year ago, this question was high on my list.  I was anticipating a long stretch on service, during which (minor detail) we’d also be moving our children’s hospital into a new building.  So I wanted to prepare for the chaos: to put down roots, to dwell in the Word, to practice attending to the One who is always attending to us.  I prayed for calm and connection throughout the chaos I knew was coming. 

Of course, the coming chaos didn’t just include disruption to my personal schedule and to our familiar NICU environment — COVID ended up coming along with it. And also, of course, He hasn’t stopped attending.

Yet here I am, a year later, coming off another service stretch, going into the fourth day of having slept more than I’ve been awake, and berating myself for being “weak” .  Feeling like a failure for falling short, for being needy, for not having all the answers or fixes for every baby and family.

Last night I found  a note in my journal from a year ago, asking “ Does not being God make me a fraud?” And I think - well, yes, it does, if I’m expecting myself to be God-like. If I’m falling into the original sin of wanting to put myself in His place. If I’m expecting anything other than falling short, being needy, not having all the answers or fixes — instead of becoming like a child and letting Him attend to me.  

It’s time to learn from the babies.

They don’t plan - they are carried, and cared for.  Even in chaos. 

 “Be tender with Your little ones: steady our souls as we learn to live.” - Common Prayer